woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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