I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize