I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
