So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
