In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
