why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
