As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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