Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
