So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
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Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
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I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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