so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
