all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
