you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
