im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
