saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
