I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I still have a little drunk in my system
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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