I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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