Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize