When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
