if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
