We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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