just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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