I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
