something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
