It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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