he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
