You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
