I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
