I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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