I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just pee around me
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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