I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
