Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
