i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
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