if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
