the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
