Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The feeling are messing with the penis
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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