I met the friendliest cop last night
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
