Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
