I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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