Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
