garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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