one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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