If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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