Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
