he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
