Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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