either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
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My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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