Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
i believe in u and ur pee
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
