Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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