There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I feel like abortions should bother me more
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
