just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
