it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
