im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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