great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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