ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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