JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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