tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
