Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
