that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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