And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
