I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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