how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
