i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
