I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
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admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
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I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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